I think too much. Mostly in my car while I’m working. Or when I’m trying to put my life together Which is every day and hour of my life for the past 13 years. There’s something about a car ride that takes thinking to a whole new depth. My mind starts talking to itself. Both sides of my brain conversing while the rest of me is melting into the passenger seat. Sometimes, I’m scared to look over at her. She sits there with her eyes fixed on my soul. Waiting for me to fall back. Something that took me years to climb out of. She’s latched on no matter how much I pray her away. She’s the old me wanting to drag me back to hell. At least my version of hell on earth.
Today was rough for me personally. There’s a specific person I thought I could get close to. Turns out it’s impossible. Things are going right back to the way they were. I can feel myself turning away from the good side that I’ve spent the last 5 months trying to grow out of. If I had a mirror in front of me I’d be scared to look at myself.
I am not blaming anyone for my actions. I take full responsibility. It’s my fault for going back to the gossip filled bitch who gets worked up over nothing. You see, after a while you start to notice certain patterns of yourself. Certain behaviors and do we ever realize that living that way will never benefit us.
I have just knocked myself down a few flights of stairs that I’ve climbed. I need to just lay here a minute soak up what I’ve done be quiet and keep pushing forward. Now, I have to swallow this pill. I’m mostly okay with it. Because I have to be.
I asked God a few days ago to smack me down and check me. I was actually being sarcastic at the time. And now he’s letting me know that he heard me. I hear him clearly now.
I have to try harder not to Gossip and as a woman that’s hard. And it’s not harmless gossip its just BS that is pulling everyone down. And I feel awful about it.
After the movie today I took my daughter out to eat. I truly admire how kind she is. I often wonder how. Especially with me as her mom. You see I’ve never been cruel to her but sometimes I wonder how a mess like myself could have made someone so pure hearted. I wish my emotional innocence wasn’t stripped from me as a child. Maybe, I could be half as pure as she is. Even just a pinch would be cool.
I want to see things through her eyes. Think as she does. She’s so free in her thoughts and doesn’t stress. I rememeber one day I locked my keys in my car at work. My mother came with her in the back seat and I kept freaking out. Getting frustrated because it was right before my next paycheck and I had to use my car insurance money to pay for someone to unlock my car. She told me to be calm like Jesus and I told her I’m not him. She climbed to the front seat and pulled the mirror down and told me to look. Earlier that week we learned about how the bible is our mirror to reflect on ourselves. I was proud and ashamed of myself. The moment was so calming it actually gave me a chance to gather myself.
Living in this town there’s few gems walking around. I like to believe she’s one. Everyone else down here is so rude and fast paced. Always in a rush to go somewhere. I often wonder where there is to go here. Why such a rush? It’s the same every time you get there anyways. This place sucks us in and doesn’t spit us back out. Our fuel is energy drinks and alcohol. It’s basically how we manage.
I don’t get out much because I’m worried I won’t get out of this place at any point in my life. Dont get me wrong this place isn’t all bad. But, for me it holds many unpleasant memories. So, maybe I’ll get to try something new each time I decide it’s okay to step out. Even though we go to the same places just about everytime.. I did make a new friend recently and got to try new places. It was nice and felt like I had fresh air for once.
I noticed lately it’s gotten much worse here. And after a while everyone gets use to it. It becomes our normal again.
I realized that I’ve been rushing my whole life to get to a specific place and I have no clue where I’m going.
Ugh, where’s my pillow.
(I’m not a professional writter by any means but this is just my way of venting.)
My annoyance level isn’t quite at it’s peak today but I’m starting to scare myself. I’m not good at waiting nor am I one to sit around and watch my life pass me by. I’m totally kidding about that last part. Seems like I’m always putting myself on the back burner for other people. Well, not this time. I am still going to push for my future and I’m at the point of dropping everything that’s not in the top five of my life. Why I do this to myself? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Too nervous to go for it. Too insecure to start. But not anymore. If I make an ass of myself at somepoint during this journey then so be it. I’ll handle the situation as it comes. In the meantime, I’m gonna enjoy watching a movie today on a mother daughter date with my good friend. It’s only 9:20am and I’m crazy. Hello world. My name is overthinking. This isn’t even the first thought of the day and I’m already sick of my own mind.